From just the first few shots at the beginning of “Dark Shadows,” you can already tell, this is obviously a Tim Burton film. Johnny Depp’s voice-over lets you know that, since he’s in it, there’s at least a 50% chance Burton directed it. Add in a Danny Elfman score, and stunning, stylized visuals and you know for sure. Unfortunately, simply being directed by Tim Burton nowadays doesn’t mean you have a good film on your hands. As good as it may look visually, “Dark Shadows” is just a murky disjointed mess that can’t really decide what it wants to be, with a director phoning it in and a script that pulls the film even further down below.

The film centers around Barnabas Collins (Depp), a character that could have been interesting, but instead the script chooses to make him a one-dimensional joke. A lot of a terrible things happen in his life, his parents are killed, the love of his life commits suicide, he is turned into a vampire, and is locked in a coffin for about 200 years. All of this is barely explored, instead the film relies on “Hah, look! He’s weird because he’s from a long time ago!” jokes.

Collins is locked away in a coffin by an evil witch who is in love with him, so much so that she kills off the people he loves so that he’ll love her or something stupid like that. Two centuries later, in 1973, the coffin is dug up by a construction crew, and Collins being a vampire, is still alive and so brutally kills them all as soon as he gets out.

The town of Collinsport, named after his family back in the 1700’s, has changed a lot since Collins was there last. The brilliant jokes start off with Collins seeing a McDonalds sign and mispronouncing the name. Get it? Because he’s from a long time ago!

He then goes to the Collins family mansion, where descendants of his family live, now far less wealthy than in the 1700’s. Elizabeth Collins (Michelle Pfeiffer) walks down a big staircase elegantly, which is basically all she does for the entire movie (she’s even on the staircase during the big climax of the film), and greets Collins. He reveals who he is, and that he’s a vampire, and Elizabeth barely bats an eye, and agrees to let him stay here as long as he lets her have a bunch of gold and restores the family fishing business or something like that.

The rest of the family somehow doesn’t realize he’s a vampire, somehow the pale white skin, the long pointy fingers, the way he burns when he does near a sunny window (and yet is magically fine if he wears sunglasses and a hat when he goes outside), and plenty of other things don’t really tip anyone off until way late in the film.

For most part of the film, Collins is just arguing with the evil witch, trying to crush her fishing business, having a disgusting awkward and weird sex scene with her and staring at her breasts. Oh, and of course doing funny things like thinking a TV is magical, and thinking Alice Cooper is just a very ugly woman.

What’s really sad is how much potential there is here. A great cast and a (once) great director, all of whom have a great passion for the TV show the film is based on. And even within the terrible script, there are some very interesting characters, ones that are shown and then quickly swept away as soon as we get interested in them.

“Dark Shadows” is boring, clunky, offensive and just a waste. There’s some fun in there, but it rarely comes out, and Depp gives it his best, but even he can’t save this waste of a film.

2/5 Stars

Now, after several turbulent and auspicious decades in the United States, Señor Fernando Cruz faces another shift in perspective. Having spent twenty years at Tam as a Spanish teacher imparting wisdom and cultivating respect from students, Cruz is now preparing for what he considers to be the most difficult moment of his teaching career: retirement.

Cruz’s passion for teaching emerged long before his arrival at Tam, and in fact before his own education commenced. “I was three years old, perhaps four, and my grandmother took care of me, so in order to amuse her I used to pick up papers and read to her,” said Cruz. “Of course, I was not reading, I was making things up; in fact, the newspapers half of the time were upside down. But she paid attention to me, and I didn’t know why.” As Cruz began attending primary school in a one-room schoolhouse where a single teacher instructed the entire student body, he continued to share his love of reading with his grandmother and aunts—and soon, he wasn’t just pretending. “Everything that I learned, I passed along to my grandmother. I became their favorite grandson against my brothers and sisters, who didn’t realize how come I was the chosen one,” said Cruz. Eventually, Cruz came to a life-changing realization: “Unknown to me, all those years, I was teaching my grandmother how to read. I was able to read and they didn’t. So I could navigate with them and was given preferential treatment.”

The idea that teaching others could lead to a better life for himself and his family has stayed with him to this day. “The idea is still there, that I was the chosen one. Not because I was better; because I simply taught my grandmother. And that’s how the teaching passion began,” he said.

Although the seeds of his teaching zeal were planted early, it would not be for several decades and following a variety of careers before Cruz was able to realize his passion. After attending primary school in Bogotá, Cruz was accepted into an exclusive, nationally ranked high school. But financial difficulties forced him to transfer to a military school, which he attended for three years. Cruz, then the equivalent of a college freshman, was forced to temporarily abandon his education in favor of getting a job at a bank. Entering the bank as a runner, Cruz delivered mail, carried messages, and carried out small errands— “really the lowest possible job I was able to get.” From there, he worked his way up through the ranks and eventually became a teller supervisor. While working, Cruz took out a loan from the bank in order to finish building a house that his father had started, but when the family was unable to pay back the loan, the family decided to emigrate.

Although he was not able to immediately pursue the life that he hoped for in America, Cruz experienced improvements directly after the move. Working in Connecticut as a turret lathe operator for a metalworking company, Cruz made $1.25 an hour— “the equivalent of three days of work in my former country.”

In 1973, Cruz enlisted in the U.S. Air Force. Although he never served in Vietnam, he “was in the midst of” the conflict, and is considered a Vietnam veteran. In the Air Force, Cruz was finally able to take the first steps towards what would eventually become his true calling—teaching. Cruz became an education specialist and continued his own education on government scholarship at East Carolina University, where he designed his own major. “The translation from the lingo that the university chose is ‘how to teach,’” said Cruz. “Not teaching Spanish, but how to teach anything.”

In his 20 years at Tam, Cruz has observed many changes, from extensive modernization and renovation of a once “dilapidated, bandaged” campus, to a major expansion in girls sports. Cruz himself is a former Tam girls soccer coach, and in 1998 led the team to then unprecedented victory at North Coast Sectionals. But by far his favorite experience through two decades of teaching at Tam has been just that—teaching. He’s held a wide variety of careers and traveled the world, but Cruz’s passion for teaching has remained the central aspect of his life. “I’ve taught at the university level; I’ve taught at the high school level; I’ve taught at the community college level,” said Cruz, “so to me it has been the greatest job ever. Really, teaching was never my profession. Teaching was, and is, my vocation.”

Through strict policies and a rigid classroom routine, Señor Cruz has built a distinct reputation at Tam. As sophomore Markita Schulman put it, “Initially, Señor Cruz is really scary. It takes a little getting used to, to figure out what he expects.” But although some students complain about having to line up in the hallway before each class and participating in daily “Qué pasó en la última clase?” exercises, in which students are randomly selected by his computer “Paco” to come to the front of the classroom and retell what happened in the previous class, Cruz maintains that these routines are essential to his teaching philosophy. “I can see the level of speaking ability, comprehension, as well as the students being able to be in front of an audience,” said Cruz of the “Qué pasó?” exercise. “That is a trademark of my teaching style.”

Sophomore and Spanish 5/6 student Bryce Killingsworth agreed that Cruz’s methods are “very structured,” and can be difficult, but said that his guidelines help him learn. “The format of his class makes it easier to remember topics,” said Killingsworth. “At first it seems like it wouldn’t be, but actually being more strict makes it easier to learn.”

Sophomore and AP Spanish Literature student August Kiles had similar feelings about Cruz’s class. “It’s really good for learning,” said Kiles of Cruz’s teaching style, adding that Cruz “gets down to business.”

Cruz said that his beliefs about teaching can be boiled down to three words: “respect, trust, and communication.” With these aims in mind, he strives to create an engaging and rigorous learning environment for all students. Cruz views his students as if they were “my own sons or daughters,” he said. “Then, in turn, the students must do the same: respect me. Standards are given the very first day. They are explained to all the students regardless of their age or grade, and they have to follow them.”

Students like Kiles have certainly noticed the high levels of respect that Cruz requires from, and gives to, his students. “He does demand respect from students, which I think more teachers should do,” said Kiles. He went on to say that Spanish with Señor Cruz was “challenging,” but that, by working hard and honoring classroom expectations, “you always come out of it ok.”

Schulman agreed. “In other classes the standards aren’t as high,” she said. But the payoff can make a more structured class worth the effort. “I think I learned more in Spanish this year than in my three previous years of Spanish combined,” said Schulman. “I’m very ready for [Spanish] 7/8.”

Although Cruz is known as a strict teacher, because of the policies he institutes and the respect that he fosters in his classroom, he said that disorder is rarely a problem. “Once [classroom policy] is established, and I treat the students the same way, I never have any discipline problems,” he said. “When we have fun, we have fun, when we talk, we talk, when we need to be silent, we need to be silent.” Schulman agreed. “With Señor it’s like we’re learning and being all intense, and then he’s like, ‘let’s dance!’” she said.

Now, facing the end of his career at Tam, Cruz is reluctant to give up what sees as the job of a lifetime. But he also has some ambitious plans for the future, and is looking forward to the next chapter in his life. “To me, teaching has been my life ever since I can remember, and now that I’m approaching retirement, I feel very sad that I have to let go of that part of my life, because I am at the top of my game,” he said. “But I would like to do something else.”

Really, teaching was never my profession. Teaching was, and is, my vocation.

So what does the future hold for one of Tam’s most well-known and respected teachers? Cruz says that his list of plans for years to come “is very long,” and includes a variety of creative careers that will play on his strengths as a teacher and Spanish speaker. Cruz would like to establish a travel company aimed at students studying a foreign language abroad, or offer his services as a tour guide to Spanish-speaking visitors to the Bay Area. He’s also considering learning how to do basic income taxes for local Spanish-speaking residents, and may even “throw my hat into politics” and run for the Tamalpais Union High School Board so that he “could offer my input as far as how to improve the well-being and success, both academically and socially, of the student population.”

Perhaps most interestingly, Cruz hopes to hire an agent in Los Angeles and eventually become “the official announcer of all the movie trailers in Spanish in the whole world.” Previously, Cruz created a radio program in which he taught beginning Spanish to thousands of students live over the air, and hopes to parlay his success in that field to future voiceover work. He also will be managing properties owned by his family in Texas and Florida.

Despite a future seemingly full of possibilities, Cruz said that he will very much miss Tam and his life here. “I will miss everything,” said Cruz of Tam. But he will miss “interactions with students” the most.

Spanish students at Tam have long been aware of Cruz’s passion for teaching, and experienced it in their classes. Kiles reported hearing once that Cruz would be willing to teach for free, and he believes it. “He’s not only a great teacher, but an amazing person,” said Kiles.

Schulman also noted Cruz’s dedication to his job. “He cares so much that you have to put all of yourself into his class,” she said.

Cruz leaves behind a 20-year legacy of zealous teaching, love of language, and unique classroom management at Tam, but said that his advice to future students is simple—and it’s something that most already know, even if they don’t practice it. “My advice to students is patience. Patience happens to be the mother of all virtues.” And, as Cruz frequently likes to tell his students: “Patience is like the roots of a tree with very sour roots but very sweet fruits.”

However, the suspension of this graduation requirement is only temporary while a new curriculum is developed and subsequently approved by the Board of Trustees. Dr. Kimbrel also says, “The applied tech department and their administrative liaison will develop a new means of ensuring student proficiency [that begins in 2013-2014].”

There will be no proficiency tests or workshops held in summer school this year, and students who have completed the old requirement will have their completion carry over once the new requirement is developed.

The technology tests have long been a graduation requirement. Known as Student Learning Outcome #3, the tests were described with these student objectives: “The student demonstrates competence in the use of authoring tools, graphic applications, and telecommunications. Selects and employs a variety of electronic technology resources for research and communication. Creates products using technologies. Uses technology responsibly, legally, and ethically.”

The structure and effectiveness of the new technology graduation requirement beginning in the 2013-2014 school year remains to be seen, but the incoming seniors from the class of 2013 can check one of the requirements off of their graduation checklist.

1. Take the smartass route. Attempt witty, literal replies. If your comrade asks, “what’s up?” avoid raking your mind for a response by making a habit out of simply retorting, “the sky” or “the ceiling,” based on your surroundings. Use your judgement. (Keep in mind some people are stuck in the 90’s and may ask you “what’s shakin’.” For this, your answer is “tectonic plates.”)
2. Casually murmur an inaudible response. This way, your comrade will hopefully assume the best and continue the conversation on their own.
3. Just turn and walk away. This may not have the most desirable effects on your social life, but who needs a social life when we have the Internet?
4. Beat your counterpart to the punch. If they even begin to purse their lips the intent of saying the dreaded phrase, blurt out, “what’s up,” first. This way, all the pressure to answer is put on them.
5. If all else fails, resort to the cliche, “nothing, you?” It is simple enough so they know you haven’t overanalyzed the question, vague enough to keep your persona a little mysterious, and open-ended enough to leave your newly enticed opponent wondering.

1) Nerdus Academica. Memorialized in movies and cartoons, this is the classic brainiac. Academica are known for being a source of homework help and are most active in their native habitat-the classroom. They vary quite widely in physical features, contrary to the beliefs of the movie industry. They tend to enjoy a good book, and the more gregarious members of this species are always willing to tell you all about what they’ve learned. Pi day is popular among this group.

2) Nerdus Technologicus. A bit rarer, technologicus are known for their constantly typing fingers and over attachment to their screens, wherin they conduct the majority of their lives. They are also adept fixers of various gadgets and designers of programs that, with luck, someday make them rich.

3) Nerdus Mediatus—The media nerds (their common name) are a growing league of obsessive fans of such things as Dr. Who, Star Trek, A Very Potter Musical, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and other movies, book series, and assorted phenomena. Mediatus enjoy secret exchanges and conversations about fan groups, characters, authors and conventions. Look down upon those who do not understand their world and current primary habitat—fan websites, comic book and television show conventions, and the Tumblr accounts of other Mediatus.

4) Nerdus Theatrica—The vivacious theater nerds are fun to be around, especially when on a high from a recent performance. They tote around monologue books, scripts and a heightened awareness of themselves as artists. They can sometimes be identified by their occasional habits of Shakespeare quoting, line practicing, or impromptu acting. Look out for bags with dance shoes or costumes in them, a tendency to leap in front of groups of people, and eccentric clothing. Ask one for a good improv game. You’ll be glad you did.

5) Nerdus Literatica— Literature nerds are another artistic nerd group—they enjoy writing and reading constantly: poetry, Shakespeare, novels, and, as their name suggests, any other awesome piece of writing. May appear at poetry slams, in newspapers, and at coffeeshops and gathering places with their fellow wordsmiths. Love discussion of prose and literature analysis. Watch for inkstains or a well-worn notebook.

6) Nerdus Scientificus—the beloved science nerd. You’ll know them by the overload of scientific courses on their schedules, their expert ability with microscope slides, Bunsen burners, and other tools of the trade, and a curious mind. You may notice their slightly off beat jokes about chemistry, physics, the cell, etc. If you laugh at said jokes (as I do!) you can count yourself among them.

Another note: As I said, most nerds are a mix of species. In addition, new kinds of nerds are being discovered all the time.

There are many, many others, such as Nerdus Bandia (common name music or band nerd), and others, but this is a brief field guide to Nerdus. They are, overall, an amazing phylum. They are smart, engaged, passionate, and—yes—a lot of fun. Are you one of us? Chances are, at least part of you is. If you haven’t already, admit your inner Nerdus! Embrace it. We are here, we are proud. Let your nerdtastic qualities shine! To my fellow nerds—if any of you do not see your species here, I apologize—I simply couldn’t list them all. But know this—I have the highest regard for all of you.

A second note—to those of you who scoff at nerddom, remember that the world would nto function whatsoever without us nerds to mind it. Those electronics you buy? Steve Jobs was a proud Nerdus Technologicus. Your favorite movie? Directed by and acted by people who probably fall into several of the aforementioned species. Your car? Designed by engineers who are complete and total nerds. Facebook? Mark Zuckerburg owns his Nerdus. The teachers who govern your school life? Nerds, every last one. The doctors you trust with your health and who find the cures to illnesses you may have someday? The researchers developing alternate enrgy? Nerdus Scientificus. They are all nerds, successful, intelligent, driven, self-respecting people. Nerds, to be perfectly frank, solve most of the world’s problems and command most of its power and respect. Remember that the next time you laugh at Phylum Nerdus.

For those of you still not convinced, too busy in teenage bliss to see beyond you own experience, I have only this to say—be nice to the nerds around you. You might work for one someday. And then it would be in your best interest to be fondly remembered.

Photos by: Kristie Lee

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/assignment_7&id=8637623

FIRE BREATHING FISH: Empire of the Sun

Rule the school and its airwaves with artists that remind one of a simpler time, a time when feudalism was still at its prime and a king and queen ruled over vast territories. Artists like King Charles, Lord Huron, Empire of the Sun, and The Good, the Bad, and the Queen remind us of that age. By listening to these royalty inspired artists, you too can rule the school with their monarchy inspired, rocking tunes.

King Charles has one of the most unique sounds in the music scene today. The English singer-songwriter has a cheerful, bouncy sound that he gives substance to with a distinctive, rough voice. Junior Chelsea Hayashi says, “His combo of a rough voice and sweet harmonies make a superb sound,” and freshman Eli Streiff says King Charles is the “best musician on Earth.” Some of his best songs on his newly released EP Mississippi Isabel are “Love Lust”, which starts with pianos and harmonies and finishes with a rock section that will make any listener dance, and “Mississippi Isabel”, which had so much bounce and “la la la’s” it’s almost campy. He tones down the campiness though with edgy guitars and sick harmonies in other songs on the EP. King Charles, it is safe to say, sits on a throne in the indie genre.

Lord Huron captures the hearts of many through his use of hazy guitars and, his signature instrument on his recent EP Mighty, steel drums, which reminds one of a mysterious Caribbean island, perhaps where locals go to rock out. Lord Huron’s sounds seem light enough to lift you out of your seat and carry you to a place where slide guitars and smooth voices can soothe any qualms about school or life. Some noteworthy songs on Mighty are “The Stranger,” perhaps the best song on the EP which Saam Maroofi says reminds him of “the end of a really good movie where everything turns out alright and the camera just zooms out.” With steel drums, whistling, and slide guitars, “The Stranger” promises sounds not likely heard from any other artist. “When Will I See You Again,” the last song on the EP, leaves the listener with a sad feeling, similar to the one you will have knowing the EP is over, with melancholy lyrics and notes. Lord Huron sets up his kingdom somewhere between alternative and indie.

While mildly popular at Tam, Empire of the Sun is mainly known by their most popular song, “Walking on a Dream,” also the namesake of the album, this band has much more to offer than one hit. Once you get over the fact that they sing through their noses, you can concentrate on the great music and songs which will have you dancing and singing soon enough. Most of the songs on the album Walking on a Dream stick to your brain like flies to fly paper. You’ll find yourself humming the tune to “Standing on the Shore” after listening to the chorus only once and the world will seem to tilt and move as you move your head up and down to “Half Mast” which is a throwback to some of the better electronic music of the 80s. While their sound has been likened to early MGMT, Empire of the Sun does have its own unique sound and fits in with the alternative pop genre.

The Good, the Bad, and the Queen, is a band that sounds very different from the above artists. The Good, the Bad, and the Queen are a blues-rock group with lead singer Damon Albarn (of Gorillaz). Although in reality the band is unnamed, most call them The Good, The Bad, and the Queen, due to the name of their debut album. Their music has a rocking mixture of organs, guitars, and a hazy sound that can only be brought by Albarn. The best songs on the album by far are “Kingdom of Doom” which sounds far away through a fuzzy wall of white noise with rough vocals and grainy distortions. “Northern Whale” offers soft vocals and harmonies paired with repetitive piano riffs and intermittent sounds of electronic whales. Junior Julianne Ashby says she loves them because “they can appeal to a broad audience. And of course you gotta love the vocals.” The Good, the Bad, and the Queen, blend a bluesy sound with an electronic wall of haze which creates an incredibly unique and impressive sound.

On the surface, “The Five-Year Engagement” sounds great. The director of “Forgetting Sarah Marshal” teaming up with his star from that movie, Jason Segel, on another R rated romantic comedy. A great cast makes it look even better, with Segal supported by Emily Blunt (“The Adjustment Bureau”), Chris Pratt (“Parks & Recreation”), Alison Brie (“Mad Men,” “Community”) and a whole slew of others that you’ll recognize from other comedies like this one. With all this talent, one expects a pretty great, fun, hilarious movie. However instead, we get about 45 minutes of fun at the beginning, and then a long period of time where the movie just really isn’t any fun because the characters are upset. With an over two hour running time, that’s a problem.

The plot if fairly simple, you can get most of it from the title. The film opens with Tom (Segel) attempting to propose to Violet (Blunt). From there, a variety of obstacles keep them from actually getting married, although none of these are that convincing. Blunt gets into a two-year psychology program in Michigan, so they get there and spend the whole two years claiming they’re “still settling in.” Then the program is extended, and Tom, who had to give up a great job in San Francisco to move to Michigan, becomes more restless. Yet they still put off the wedding, and from here things just get more ridiculous and weird. Violet gets shot in the leg with an arrow by their niece, Tom grows a half-beard of sorts (which becomes flat out disgusting to look at), or Tom hunting deer and making different foods out of them.

However the movie is fun, and has a lot of laugh-out-loud moments. The supporting cast is great, which makes me really conflicted. I wanted more from them, even though I thought the movie was far too long. A movie centered around Pratt and Brie’s characters’ relationship probably would have made a better, or at least more fun, than what we got here.

In the end, it seems like “The Five-Year Engagement” can’t really decide if it wants to be a fun romantic comedy, or a sad romantic drama. It’s certainly possible to mix those together with a good result, but for this movie only the comedy half works. You just get frustrated at the characters, and want them to just have their wedding already. So sadly in the end, it’s relief when the movie’s finally over. It’s still fun, just not fun enough.

2.5/5 Stars