Why drink when you could just pretend?

You’re at a party, stone cold sober. This is a problem, not because alcohol isn’t available, but because you’re a responsible human being. You don’t want to drink. Your peers are getting bubbly with happiness, laughing, flirting, and spilling drinks on each other. You’re sitting in the corner with a diet coke, not fitting in. There is no need to worry because you don’t have to drink. I’m going to show you the steps of fitting in at a party where everyone but you is intoxicated. I’m going to teach you how to act drunk.

Step 1. Exit the premises of the party. Wait approximately ten minutes outside. No one knows where you have gone so they may suspect you are drinking or picking up alcohol. People will not see you until your re-entry where this time you will be “intoxicated.”

Step 2. Re-enter the party with a giant idiotic smile on your face. Say hello to every single person you pass by. People you don’t know, people you don’t like, people that don’t like you, etc. You have to get in the mindset of a drunk teenager.

Step 3. Make a meal in the house you are in. A drunk teenager believes everything is theirs for the taking, therefore all of the food in the hosts kitchen belongs to you. Make the most random stupid concoction you can think of. Some ideas include watermelon and parmesan, popsicle dipped in guacamole, or cereal and soup.

Step 4. If all else fails, it’s time to get drastic. You must urinate. Yes, you heard me, you have to pee on something. Preferably urinate on an inanimate object to avoid conflict with someone who’s actually drunk.

If you are a girl and not up to this task, you might want to slap a guy or start grinding on a wall by yourself. You must do this in front of everyone.

If you are peeing, make sure the party sees that you have no regard for where you urinate. Everyone knows drunk people pee in stupid places.Find a planter or urinate off a deck. After this, doubts about your intoxication will be a thing of the past. Your peers will be saying, “Look at (your name), he’s so drunk he’s peeing on the Nintendo Wii!”

If you don’t want to drink, remember my guide; there’s no doubt that you will be fitting in at the next party.